he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
