I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
