i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
