My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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