Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
