im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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