his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
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He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
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He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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