You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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