I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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