Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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