I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
