he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
