My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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