to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
