Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
