If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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