i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.