You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
