can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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