Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
