I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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