if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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