I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
