The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
