my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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