I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
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You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
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It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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