Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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