I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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