i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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