I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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