I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
How much have you had to drink?
That seems like quite a lot.