How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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