and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
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He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
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Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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