So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
