I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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