I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
