I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
