Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
