you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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