and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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