The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
