Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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