You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
