Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
