you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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