I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
