I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
