The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Dignity is for republicans.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
