god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
