This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
