Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
