dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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