I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
