Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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