I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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