Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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